Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
