I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
