Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
