Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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