I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
