If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he puts the penis in happiness.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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