he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Pooping to opera.
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