got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
