Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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