Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize