I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Boobs are out for the taking
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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