Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
