Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
