i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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