I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
