Four minutes until I can fart!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
