Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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