My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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