So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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