Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
