went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
