so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Even my vagina gasped.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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