what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
