Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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