peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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