Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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