My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
