You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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