its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
