don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
