I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
