Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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