What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
nutella sex= disaster
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
