Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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