New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
