oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
