i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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