his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
