you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
