Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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