dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
