Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
a search helicopter?!
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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