Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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