i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
