If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
