White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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