If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
