I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
