I wish I could teleport
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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