I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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