No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
