She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
