I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
