Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
