I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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