We're facebook friends in real life
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
