I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
