Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
