his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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